It ain't easy, living in the moment (that comma just felt like it needed to be there). And I'm not necessarily talking about life-altering moments. Just all the moments together that alter your life.
This has been on my mind of late, and through a conversation with my wife this morning, a random social media post from my brother-in-law, and probably a myriad of other subconscious-type dealings, I'm going to attempt to discuss it within the next half hour (until I have to pick up the one they call...Hank). Speaking of...he's been awful lately. I watch him, raise him, try to teach him right from wrong, feed him, fight with him, play with him, and try not to pummel him from 7am or so to 8pm or so. Throw in trying to parent his older sister, trying to supplement my family's income with some barbecue, and attempting to have an adult life in general, I get fairly tired. Being tired leads to being grumpy. Being grumpy leads to looking past the good and not appreciating what I've got. It's a chain reaction that needs to be eliminated. Granted, I'm human, like most of you reading this, and it's bound to happen from time to time. But I wouldn't mind if didn't happen at all. The moments when my son is screaming incoherently at me, spitting, kicking and hitting me, throwing toys at me, yelling "NO!!" at everything I say, running from me, challenging me...I have to understand that these instances are far and few between. If they were a daily occurrence, then we'd have an issue. But they're not. And although it's really tough during these times, me being a 46yr old grumpy me trying to reason with a 3yr old him (or me...), it's not everyday. And the picture I just painted of Hank doesn't represent how be typically behaves. He's a sweet, curious, rambunctious, smart little boy. And I really appreciate that he's mine. Now, when he's being awesome, which happens, I need to practice living In that particular moment. It's easy just to keep on cruising without any thoughts of what is transpiring in front of you, rather just taking moments for granted. These awesome moments won't happen forever. They'll evolve, but they won't last. Another example is, my current adult situation. It's different than it ever has been, and I'm still adjusting. I never thought I'd be a housewife (and I use that term in the most understanding and endearing way). Not that you need to know, but my past professions, although fun and romantic, were never the most lucrative. Running a gear shop or being a fly fishing guide certainly had it's perks, but never resulted in much bacon, at least not enough for a family. I think sometimes that maybe I should have become an art teacher, but unfortunately that probably would've been a retrospective lateral move, financially. It just might be that my interests and skill sets don't command big time dollars. Woe is me, right? Enter meat smoking (this is where the example starts getting appreciated). My adult situation dealt cards that made sense for me to stay at home with two little kids, raising them as a parent, not a stranger entering their lives and serving as their daycare teacher or nanny. That in itself is pretty huge. And while at home with these two little kids, and while my incredibly intelligent and hard working wife feeds us and puts a roof over our heads, I am able to work on something that will at least serve as additional pocket money, offsetting the difference that paying a full time nanny would cost if I were still running shops and guiding. Work in progress, but we're getting there. Damn man, I can appreciate that. It's tough being a housewife, it really is. And if you are one, kudos. The job is incredibly difficult, because if you fuck up, you don't just get a talking to by your three bosses, you could potentially endanger your child's life. It's like parenting, but times ten. And keep in mind, I'm a 46yr old Matt. Not a 30yr old birth mother with motherly, nurturing instincts and know-how, that seemingly mothers and parents better than any mother or parent that ever walked the earth. It's me. Matt. Kids suck, and I look out for number one. Maybe 20 years ago, but still. This situation has allowed me jump...no, ease into working for myself, at a pace that makes sense for my family, that allows me to make mistakes, that allows me to try and perfect my craft, that allows me to concentrate on it along with my other, more important duties. Not only do I need to acknowledge and appreciate, I need to drink up these moments, so to speak. This chapter in my life, although it has it's trials and tribulations like any other, won't ever be the same. My kids won't be this age. My adult situation won't be at this stage. I may not be able to be in the middle of the mountains within an hour. I may not have a good, dependable Toyota truck with reasonable mileage for it's age. I, or someone I love may not be in good health, or worse. Life travels quickly. I don't really mean for this to be about me, but seeing as how I am me, examples using myself are about all I've got. I don't mean to be preachy, either. Everyone's lives are different. For some people, it may be incredibly easy to feel gratitude and appreciation. Maybe they've got it made and totally know it. Lots of money, no worries, they and everyone around them is perfect. For others, maybe the noise of everyday life sometimes becomes too much and they find themselves in survival mode, taking life one instance at time...and feeling defeated. I feel at times I'm towards the latter---but need to remind myself that I'm up towards the top. At the end of the day, we've all got good things in our lives that we need to acknowledge and be grateful for. We (I) need to close our eyes, push away the hardships, the noise, and the bullshit, and be happy for good things. That's all. Everyone's feelings are relative, too. So be sure to keep that in mind when judging someone else. Because that's what we do. Life may seem peachy on the outside looking in, but inside might be a totally different story. Thanks for hanging in there. This post most certainly was as much for me than anything. If you got something out of it other than me being preachy, narcissistic, too open, being a martyr, out of touch, or craving attention, then cool. Situations are weird. Brains and thoughts are weird. Life is weird. You just gotta keep on truckin', man. Half hour's up. Dad's on his way, Hank. .
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AuthorI am Earl. Archives
May 2024
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