It's early. I'm pretty sure I hear the boy yelling in bed, but I ignore it. So does the Mrs. Two minutes later the little girl comes in our room rambling incoherently about God knows what, half asleep. She crawls in bed with us. And squirms...and rambles...and kicks...and rambles.
It's not quite light outside yet, but it's time to figure out what kind of person I'm going to be today. It's time to get up, get a quick shower, and face the damn day. I am responsible for being awesome. That is literally my self-proclaimed job description, seeing as how I am responsible for my kids all day, everyday. And it ain't easy. At least once a week I long for a desk with a computer and fluorescent lights above me and no windows. And a boss that gets on my case maybe twice a day. I could live with that. But that's stupid. So on I go. I get showered. I get dressed. Then...I get the boy. It starts out okay...typically. But about a half hour into my routine, I start to long for a nanny, and start to question my mental fortitude, and start to question my existence, and why I'm not a hermit living in a shack alongside a ditch in the middle of Godknowswhere. That's when I settle down and take a look at my handwritten, very well thought out, self affirmation list. Actually, it's not really a self affirmation...it's a "what to do" list, more than anything. Been working on it for several years now. Might sound goofy to you, and it kind of is. But it keeps me even-keel and grounded...somewhat. And it works. It's a list of shit. Shit that makes sense to me, and that keeps my head on straight. And I believe in it. So much so, that I am going to share it with you right here on this blog post. SPOILER ALERT: This is where you stop reading if you do not appreciate or tolerate curse words. I use these curse words as exclamations and attention-getters to motivate/entertain myself each morning when reading them. They most certainly serve a purpose--as most curse words do--and are not just blatant bombs of profanity thrown out with no reason. Here is my list, along with a brief description for each point. BE FUCKING COOL. LIKE FONZIE. I know. If someone is cool, they probably shouldn't have to remind themselves to be cool. But it's my guess that Fonzie even had to look in the mirror every now and again...and even though he didn't say anything to himself, he thought for a minute, then said, "Aaaayyy." And plus, sometimes you just need a reminder. Like Yolanda did. HAVE FUCKING FUN. Fishing or sledding or dancing with your kids. Or drinking everyone you know under the table when you don't have your kids. BE IN A FUCKING GREAT MOOD. IF YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD, THE DAY WILL GO REALLY WELL MORE TIMES THAN NOT. Self explanatory. BE GRATEFUL. I don't know anyone that shouldn't be grateful about their situation. Sure, some might be a little better than others, but in the grand scheme of shit, you probably have it pretty good. BE AFFECTIONATE AND LOVING. Mushy, yes. But we tend to lose that shit when we're buried with children and finances and daily crap. That's a fact, friend. BE EMPATHETIC, UNDERSTANDING, AND HAVE PATIENCE. I think this is very important. I didn't have this in my younger days, and now try to incorporate these three things into my daily life. I wish more people would try to. BALANCE FUN WITH HEALTH. Exercise. Have a drink. Exercise. Eat a cheeseburger. Eat another cheeseburger. Have a drink. Work harder on that balance, man. STAY YOUNG. BUT BE A FUCKING ADULT. I'm a strange bird. I enjoy being a fucking child, whereas I love comic books, loud rock & roll music, and roughhousing with my kids. I also enjoy sitting in a chair while staring at a wall in silence, creating my own business, and mowing the lawn. BE FAIR. LIKE AQUAMAN. Somewhere down the road I took some advice from my Grandpa Todd about being fair. I'm not exactly sure where it came from, but it stuck. It stuck while I was a boss, while I am a parent, and when I will have my own employees. The Aquaman thing is from one of Hank's books called...you guessed it, "Aquaman is Fair". Cracks me up. BE THE BEST FATHER AND HUSBAND YOU KNOW HOW TO BE. Sometimes I'm not. So I look at this. BE A MAN. Possibly the most important thing on the list, because in entails so many different qualities that I believe hold true. Like chopping wood, smoking a pipe, wearing a collared shirt, killing animals, growing hair, and beating women.* FUCK 80%. BE THE MOTHERFUCKING BEST. Here's the story on this one. I read the book, "Let My People Go Surfing" by Yvon Chouinard, whom I admire. In his book he stated that (in my words) he strived to learn a new sport/passion up to 80%, because anything beyond that would turn into an obsession. I really dug that, and kind of stuck to it in whatever I was doing at the time. Time passed, and I said "fuck that, man." I don't wanna eat no 80% barbecue. I wouldn't want no 80% dad. I don't 80% sing my ass off to Whitesnake. I want the fucking best. EMBRACE YOUR SITUATION. IT AIN'T BAD, REGARDLESS OF WHERE YOU'RE SITTING. You got yourself a good life. Quit bitchin'. SAY, "WOOOOOOOOOO!" LIKE RIC FUCKING FLAIR EVERYDAY. Man, you may not be in the mood. But once you let out a "WOOOO!", you're mood will change. That's a scientific fact. Here they are. Take 'em or leave 'em. I'm here to help. Have a good fucking night. *sarcasm.
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AuthorI am Earl. Archives
May 2024
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