I see a light, but I can't tell how far away it is. And this is a long, dark tunnel.
Never one to complain or boo-hoo, but things lately have got me down. I've never been uber-depressed before, thankfully. I s'pose there's been a time or two I've shed 10lbs or so on the stress diet, probably linked to a break-up or an awful occupation. But I've never swam at the bottom. I've got very good friends who have, and don't wish it on anyone. So when I say I'm down, I'm just that. I'm not uppy, and I'm not even-keel...I'm a bit below that. So right out of the chute I'm not that bad. Just dealing. I blame the pandemic, because that's the easiest route. It is the root. But I don't care to go back and connect the dots--that's not helpful. The pandemic has put a halt on many things that allow me to get away. As a stay-at-home dad, primarily, it's really tough to get a day off. You get accustomed to always being there for your kids, which is what I think the definition of being an amazing parent is, but it also consumes you and wears you down. There is no 9 to 5. Even when you're sleeping, shitting, or showering, they are still there. Their presence still hovers over you and adds an unassuming pressure. There's always a TV or an iPad playing...always yelling and screaming in the backyard or the playground...and those are the quiet times. My wife works very hard, sometimes long hours, and my job right now is to allow her to keep doing that stress and hassle free--sometimes to the point of where I'm at now. My salary is what a nanny makes, which ain't bad. I used to be able to head out to a concert or even a movie to get away. That hasn't been the case of late, with things shut down. And my constant go go go has me too exhausted to even want to travel to the mountains by myself on a random weekend day. A night at a hotel by myself is much more appealing. Hmmmm.... That's where it starts, and that's the meat and potatoes of it. Everything else just piggybacks onto it. Feeling trapped in my own house, the weather sucking and not helping at all, frustrations with my barbecue business, the four of us in this house biting each other's heads off on occasion, too tired to do fucking anything, Colorado sucking lately (fires, shootings, shit weather, tourist infestation, campgrounds completely booked, rivers overfished, etc), I'm really not built to be a mom, adult bullshit hassles (insurance, taxes), and the like. When I get bogged down, that's when my mind starts to wander and I stop living in the now. I start to daydream. About living somewhere else, maybe on a lake. Or maybe somewhere tropical where my hassles will just melt away. Or maybe I start dreaming about my tiny business growing exponentially and I pay someone else that respectable nanny's salary to stay with the grommets. At the end of the day, I just need a break. Without children. Once I catch my breath I think that I'll start seeing things a little clearer. And I'll go back to being grateful instead of spiteful. It's just a case of the blues.
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AuthorI am Earl. Archives
May 2024
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