As another day of marathon child watching (or parenting, as some call it...) comes to a close, I find myself curled up with my daughter watching her new favorite movie, "Return of the Jedi". She likes the Muppets and the crappy CGI and all that. I am tired and numb and crotchety from hours upon hours upon hours of dadding, so I judge one of my all-time favorite things in life: Star Wars.
I am a major nerd when it comes to most things Star Wars--always have been. But I've never put much thought into "Jedi"--especially the opening sequence centered around Jabba's palace. Tonight though, I did. One: Let's just address the elephant in the room that is an all-around travesty of a representation of anything Star Wars in the character, Sy Snootles. The original wasn't great. If I remember correctly, the animatronics on her were reminiscent of the robotic mannequins in Herbie Hancock's "Rockit" video. The overall visual design worked ok, but the movements all seemed compromised and way too 1983 as far as Star Wars standards go. And now...NOW we have to watch Lucas's horseshit remake of a scene with an overly cartooned Sy, now aided by an even more nauseatingly cartooned Joe Cocker-looking motherfucker singing space jibberish at my face along with an elaborate, nails-on-the-chalkboard musical number. Throw in a very poorly-made Muppet playing the harmonica, and it gets really rough. Like, Jar Jar rough. Two: After a plan that pretty much sucked and failed, Luke comes in to save the day. Thing is, he pretty much sucks at being a Jedi at this point still. Definitely not up to Mandalorian final-episode standards yet. Why the elaborate plan to put the lightsaber in R2's head? Why not just bring the lightsaber into the palace with you and start fucking shit up? Why have a wink at Lando and then really do nothing? There was no plan there. Lando fell off the skiff...pretty much immediately. And the Rancor battle...c'mon man. Any other Jedi would've barbecued that fucker. At least give a little Jedi nod to close the gate on him instead of throwing a skull at it like a girl. Use the fucking Force, not your 4th grade girl's softball skills. They were all bringing some serious weak shit to this plan, and somehow salvaged a win out of it. I'm just glad Sy blew up on that sailbarge. Three: Boba...worst death ever. He's your most popular character coming off of "Empire", and you feed him to the Little Shop of Horrors houseplant by way of an unarmed blind man accidentally backing into him? Insult to injury--said houseplant belches afterwards. Show some fucking respect, George. I mean, I love Star Wars. But there's really only 3 or 4 good movies out of the 11. I wouldn't mind a total reboot done the way it should be done. Leave the original three and give them a better visual updating. Scrap the the prequels and call a redo. Hell, scrap the final Rey films and try again...they were good for nostalgia's sake, but pretty poor upon revisiting a few years later...sans maybe "The Force Awakens". Maybe. I tried to get Rubes to watch "Rouge One", but no dice. She likes what she likes. I can respect that. I'll stick to watching "Empire" on repeat and gorging myself with Mando reruns and feast upon "Book of Boba Fett" and Obi Wan's new show when they come out. Filoni and Favreau seem to have things under control. Hopefully there are more plans to clean up George's shitstorm and make things right. Nerds deserve that. But "Jedi"? Yeah, I've seen it 47,000 times. And yeah, it's a bit of a bummer of a sequel to to the greatest movie ever. But it's still fucking wonderful. -earl
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AuthorI am Earl. Archives
May 2024
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